Because of my mother’s childhood and her psychological make-up and response to the world, followed by the circumstances of my birth, and my psychological make-up and perception of the world, I was always walking on eggshells around her.
She taught me this “natural” way of being which actually made my BEING fundamentally unsure of myself. If I could not be my natural free child around her for fear of incurring her wrath, how could I simply just BE ME? Children create altar egos, they puff themselves up to be bigger and more important than they really feel, or they shrink and make themselves smaller, or they become a bully, or the actress, amongst a multitude of other possible outcomes.
When I think about my core feelings of being frustrated and out of control, I can easily see why they were the issues when I was constantly having to tip-toe around my mother. Later I cemented those core feelings by tip-toeing around my father’s shame.
I became very sensitive as a result of this eggshell walking – so there at least, is the gift. But people can become narcissists because of eggshell walking and indeed if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and wondering how and why on God’s Green Earth could you possibly have attracted this seemingly wonderful, charming, yet INSANE person, perhaps you need to look at how you modeled walking on eggshells!
Ego-dystonic behaviour is something that is not congruent to your ego but you are stuck in a pattern-like obsessive-compulsive behaviour such as constantly washing your hands when you know it’s not rational, but you have to do it anyway, like our reaction to superstitions.
Ego-syntonic behaviour is when your obsessive-compulsive behaviour is a personality disorder and it’s ingrained in part of who you are and you don’t realize or think that anything is wrong with you needing or wanting to wash your hands constantly and you make others wrong for believing otherwise.
The Narcissist will do the very thing he blames you for! He will twist everything you say to make you smaller putting you on the defensive until you begin to question your own sanity! He will perceive the things you say as a personal attack on him, even if you are aware and speak from the first person taking responsibility for your own feelings. Somehow, it all becomes about him being a victim and how you are the one who has caused all the wounding so you end up suppressing your light and doing whatever you can to keep him calm. We trap ourselves!
The deeper attachment lies in those eggshells. Under every charming narcissist is the belief that he is not good enough, or worthy or deserving. When you examine your own shadow parts you will no doubt find the same limiting belief. It may not manifest in the same way, or be about the same thing, but that belief will be lurking. That’s probably the deeper reason why you attracted each other. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Unfortunately, humans learn through trauma. We get ourselves into these situations to be pushed to our lowest level so that we can finally hit our face against the cement when there is nowhere else to go, but up.
If you are in a recurring pattern of attracting narcissists then you have not learned or healed the lesson! Why on earth would any of us ever choose to be in a relationship that was anything other than supportive, kind, loving, and encouraging? Where we are free to be our authentic self and feel safe to express ourselves? I want my partner to know that I’ve got his back and vice-versa. That doesn’t mean you have to be twin flames or agree on everything, but it does mean that you are always coming from a place of love and not putting the other one down! If someone is trying to make you feel bad about who you are, undermining you or discouraging your dreams, time to say, “Adios Muchacho! I’m not into tiptoeing over eggshells anymore. I love myself far too much for that.” Put those eggshells in the compost!